A green-eyed monster stirred up inside as I scrolled down an endless barrage of greetings and declarations of everyone’s excitement for the new year. Sitting in front of the screen, I tried to find a gleam of something to ignite a long lost sense of optimism. I believed that the earth’s coming full circle would eventually bring everything back to normal, but no such luck. Sure I’m not exactly that kind of person who goes giddy thinking about the next 365 days, but the beginning of this year feels like one station away from rock bottom.
I’d be lying if I say that I’m looking forward to what 2014 has in store for me. The past several weeks had been too rough. It feels like a gaggle of Dementors just consumed my soul because an empty shell perfectly depicts what I’m feeling right now. Although I dismissed the idea of a quarter-life crisis as a real thing a while back, life has showed me that I was dumb for doing such. It’s like the world has unanimously agreed to make me feel like shit, and it pains me to admit that the it has been successful doing so.
If there’s one thing I miss, it’s waking up in the morning brimmed with enthusiasm. And no it’s not just plain laziness and wanting to sleep in for the rest of the day — it’s the utter lack of motivation to keep going through the rest of the day even though you just woke up five seconds ago. When crawling under a rock and not speaking to anyone sound like a dream. That kind of struggle.
Sometimes I feel like randomly bawling my eyes out because I’ve become a totally different person: someone who’s forgotten how to dream. (I’m starting to tear up typing this, blargh.) I keep on searching for the old me that always imagines the big picture, not just someone who lives for the moment without even savoring it. I’ve lost interest with life, and no matter how hard I look or what I do, nothing helps. I reached that point where majority of my time is spent either staring into blank space or pondering over the shoulda woulda coulda.
Is there even something better for me out there? Something that’s worth doing? Something that would make me think that I’ve finally attained my purpose? A part of me hopes so. But when you’re a nihilist, and your miserably cynical beliefs come into play, you get sucked right back into the black hole. It’s the same thing all the time, and it gets tiring. I hope the universe gives me a hint if this hurdle is supposed to be crossed or if it’s best for me to take another path. I absolutely have no fucking idea, and I’ve been at the same spot for months now, still clueless on what to do.
Just like when you accidentally fuck up a video game and then everything else that follows starts tumbling down, there’s a strong urge to press the power button out of frustration so you don’t have to witness how the rest of the game will go just because you already know how it’s gonna end. Right now my feels just like that.
The Inner Monologues 